Updated: Apr 1, 2020
You hear a lot about the people who got their heart broken into a million pieces, but what about the people who broke those hearts? What condition is theirs in? Some are only slightly broken for the hurt they caused the other person. Some are cracked but quickly mend with the distraction of a new partner. And then there are some that are completely smashed and broken because they wish that it could have worked out. They still think back to what if? Could I have changed? Could he? Would things have gotten better? They try to fit their current life and growth back into the equation but it will forever be a problem left unsolved. My heart falls into the smashed and broken category. It's fucking painful, to say the least. You can argue that I was the one to end it but I didn't want to leave. I needed to. I got to a place in my life where I knew I couldn't live like that anymore. I needed something more. And not just more from a partner but more from myself. Without fully understanding my feelings, I could feel at a deep level that I needed to walk away. But how? How was I going to leave this person I loved dearly? How was I going to explain that after seven years I don't want to be with them anymore? What would his reaction be when I told him I couldn't marry him and I didn't want to spend the rest of our lives together as we talked about. These thoughts took over my mind for weeks. I fought it so hard. I told myself I had to stay because that was the right thing to do. How could I walk away from everything we had? I needed to take time for myself. I needed to be myself. I wasn't being true to my soul and she was screaming hysterically to be let out. I don't know how but I got the courage to leave. The day I moved out I found a new place to live and a new job which I was hired one month later. Talk about signs from the universe.
With so many changes happening all at once I never allowed myself the time to process my emotions over his loss. Even though I was the one to end it, I had to go through the same stages of grieving. It wasn't until the middle of January that I really started to understand the deeper meanings of why I left and why my soul needed this experience. Some days I would have so much clarity followed by a huge release, only to have it happen again 10x worse a couple days later. Healing is NOT easy and it does not happen overnight.
What I've come to learn over these last several months is that there is a huge difference between wanting and needing. I wanted the relationship to last. I wanted to be married and start a new chapter with this person but ultimately, it wasn't what I needed and the universe was done with me not living in alignment. My ego wants but my soul needs. Coming into a deeper connection with myself, I align with what is needed over what is wanted. The same applies to addictions and bad cycles I've let myself spin in. I wanted things that numbed me. That filled the void so I didn't have to deal. I wanted the distraction, but what was needed for my growth came from saying no and walking away from all the things that were holding me back from my best self. Why treat myself from a place of hate rather than a place of love? We need to honor what is needed in our life. And if you are at a place where you have no fucking clue what that is, allow the universe to guide you. Ask spirit for signs and be open to receiving them. Since I decided to honor myself and release my fears to the universe I have been supported in so many beautiful ways.
Think about your life for a moment. What do you want in order to be your best self? Now ask yourself what is needed to create your best self? The list you make for your needs might consist of bad habits to overcome or fucked up emotions you need to release. By doing the work of what is needed we grow into who we are meant to be. We finally allow ourselves to shine our light and we discover our super powers. I invite you to think about this and see where in your life you can focus more on your needs rather than your wants.