I Want, I Need, I Must
Updated: Apr 1, 2020
My intention for starting this site was to help others. I did score a 2 on the enneagram. The Helper. That’s exactly what I am. Going above and beyond for everyone else. Doing whatever I can to help, please, and/or make others comfortable. I do it because it feels good. I enjoy seeing people at peace within themselves and in their surroundings. I take such good care of everyone else I completely neglect the proper care for myself. I distract myself from tasks by answering text messages and phone calls when I should be focused on what I need to do. I spend far too long down the Instagram rabbit hole wondering why my life isn't picture perfect and I procrastinate for a reason that I honestly can give other than, I don't want to do the work.
Now at almost 32 years old, I wake up in pain. I go to bed in pain. I feel pain all throughout the day. Sitting is by far the worst. Doing the things I enjoy like dancing and long walks in nature become more of a chore than something fun. No matter how much I stretch, I’m still hurting. My muscles ache. My joints are stiff. The list goes on and on. I’ve been on this undiagnosed journey for 10 years now and my body has had enough.
I realize how important the need is to care for myself. And not only that but to put me first. I must to set aside time to rest, relax, eat, nourish, and refuel my body. I must make time for gentle movement, stillness in meditation, and time for me to express the thousands of ideas and thoughts swirling around in my head by writing. I need to take the time for me. To figure out my groove in life. To understand what my needs are. What is really important to me. I must figure out what the right and most imperative questions are to ask. I must restructure. I must create a routine. I must have the willingness to flow. In flow, things don’t have to be the same each time. I can take a new path at any time of my choosing. I simply have to continue moving forward while putting my needs first.
Being left on the back burner has caused me to burn out, be forgotten, and tossed as a mistake, having to start all over again. Now as I begin again, I can move My Self to the front burner. Making sure the temperature is just right while watching over with a close eye to make sure it comes out right this time. Some of the most delicious creations I’ve made in the kitchen have been a labor of love. Standing over the pot continually stirring. Having focused awareness of what it needs.
Cooking is like life. Cooking is my life. I understand my life when I look at it like I’m cooking a meal. In my dishes, there are many components. This can sometimes make it feel chaotic but if I am focused and aware, using my intuitive wisdom, I know exactly how to create something amazing, magical, and delicious. I don’t use cookbooks. They trip me up and it never comes out to my liking. I still love cookbooks though. The photos. The list of ingredients. If I’m imitating a recipe I use it as a base. I take what I need and apply my own knowing. And it always comes out amazing. I need to cook up some magic in my own life. I need to see and understand how to utilize all the components I have available to me and understand how to get them to work for me. It’s like positioning myself amongst the chaos and have it orbit around me in a way that works. Life is crazy and life can be shitty. But it also can be amazing at the same time. Balance is key and I believe one of the greatest lessons in life is finding that balance within our own universe.