Updated: Apr 1, 2020
Over the last five months, I’ve discovered how I neglected to build a strong foundation for myself and the many areas of my life. Relationships especially. I craved the feeling of love like a drug. Always on the lookout and took whatever I could get. In my obsession for finding love, I always jumped right in, not allowing the relationship to organically grow and not fully seeing who the other person was. Wearing my rose-colored glasses, I wasn’t allowing my true self to be seen either. What we project we attract. If we don’t allow ourselves to fully be seen, we are going to attract a partner who is hiding their true self as well. It’s such an easy concept yet we abandon ourselves in order to not be abandoned by someone else. In every relationship I’ve been in, I felt something was amiss. What I’m now realizing is that the missing piece was me. I’ve sabotaged every relationship due to my lack of self-worth, self-love, and disregard for not getting to know myself on a deep soul level. I was too scared to allow my authentic self to be seen for fear of abandonment. What an awful disservice to ourselves when we play this game of hide and seek.
The Seven of Swords used to come up a lot in my tarot readings. Mostly romantic because who doesn’t go to the cards when they’re into someone new? It’s that need to know which I’m finally letting myself let go of. The Seven of Swords is all about deceit. Self-sabotaging behaviors and feelings of defeat. It can also symbolize being your own worst enemy. Every time the card came up I had a terrible feeling wash over me. Why was I repeatedly pulling this card? Was this person not for me? What was the lesson I was not learning? This card was never a reflection of someone else. Rather it was a reflection of me. We always attract people into our lives who mirror back what we need to discover and learn about ourselves. I was getting this card over and again because I wasn’t being my authentic self. By hiding, I was deceiving myself but also deceiving the other person. If I wasn’t being my true authentic self how would someone get to know who I really am? I want someone who sees my truth and what I stand for from the beginning. Someone who accepts me for who I am and appreciates me. That's what true love is. In order for that to happen, I have to own it. I have to be confident in who I am and what I’m projecting out into this world. It’s all about energy. What we put out we get in return. I never allowed myself to be me. I always felt disconnected and alone, even in my closest relationships. “It’s not you, it’s me.” It was simply me not being me and the lack of love I've felt my whole life was because I wasn’t giving it to myself. By stepping into my power, I’ve discovered that love. I’ve never needed it from someone else.
You always hear people say how relationships are a lot of work. The relationship we have with ourselves is by far the hardest. But if we approach it from a place of love, compassion, and openness, the relationships we create with others will also be built on the strong foundation we’ve built for ourselves.