My grandma is two months shy of turning 94. She deals with congestive heart failure, chronic pain from arthritis, a torn rotator cuff, has broken both her hips and spends her days in an assisted living home where the meals leave much to be desired. To be frank, she wants to die. She says this isn’t a way to live, and I agree. It’s not like myself or my family want to kill off grandma but we see how unhappy she is. We want what she wants. We don’t want to see her suffer.
Earlier in the week, we thought it might be her last day. Her lungs began filling with fluid making it difficult for her to breath. She asked my aunt to make funeral arrangements and told my mom that she is now the oldest and has to take care of everyone. We all sat around with her and told her it was okay if she wanted to go. She said she does, but her body isn’t cooperating. In her usual humor, she said “I used to read stories of the family sitting around waiting for the matriarch to die. I don’t know what’s holding up the show.” We asked her if she has any unfinished business or regrets. My aunt stayed with her that night and when she woke up in the morning she said sadly, “I’m still alive.”
My aunt and I began to think. Her body is failing but there has to be a reason why she’s still here. I’ve been journaling about it and asking the universe what the lesson is she needs to learn in order to be set free. My aunt and I have come up with theories, but it came to me this morning. The lesson isn’t for her. She’s teaching us something. By her sticking around, we're trying to figure out why. We’ve dug deep and uncovered a lot from the past. It’s not pretty and so much of it has affected our young lives in a negative way, resulting in issues with hurt later on. This is a chance for us to allow these things to come to the surface, face them, and release them because they were never ours to begin with. My grandma might not be spiritually inclined and doesn’t know how to be honest with herself, but we can learn from her mistakes and create a better life for ourselves. We love you Grammy!