It’s been 11 days since my life was turned upside down. It’s the first day that I’m free of work or prior engagements. I don't want to get out of bed. The shattered pieces of my broken heart ache so badly. The heaviness is suffocating. My mind is running a marathon. If only this, or why that? I can spend the rest of my life questioning what happened, but in the end, I will always come to the conclusion that it had nothing to do with me. I’ve put the blame on myself so many times in my life and in my relationships. It’s silly how we do this. We know it’s not us but the darkness creeps in and makes us feel unworthy or deserving of this way of life. This time is different. I’m not the same person I was years ago. I’m not that weak girl who hated herself and accepted the blame as my own. I’m a woman who loves herself. I’m a woman who has gone through many lessons in life and came out on top. In the end, I chose to see the good. I chose to walk forward. I've walked down many rough paths, but now, I look back and smile because I made it trough.
Life has recently put me on a new path. It is and will continue to be the hardest path I have ever walked. I feel like my life has turned into the ending of La La Land. Who else was devastated by that ending? You always have two choices in life. The choice you make will take you down the path of your reality. The choice you don’t make will always be what could have been. I think about my what could have been and it kills me. I can see it all so perfectly like the greatest love story ever written. It must always stay as what could have been, though. I know what I am deserving of in a relationship. Deceit, lies, and manipulation is not something I will allow or put up with.
The theme for February is change and boy there is a lot of it going on. I can’t tell you how many heartbreaking things I’ve heard from other people in the last few days. Sometimes change is brought on by our own actions. In my case and many others right now it was brought on by another person. These types of change are always the hardest as we’re not ready for the waves that continue to crash into us and knock us down. But with this change, we have two choices to make. To accept it and move on in a forward direction or wallow in it while being pulled back by the current. I choose to accept.