Depending on where we are in our life, we attract people and relationships who mirror ourselves. If we are weak, we will attract this type of person. When Smith and I met I was a complete mess. I was in the latter half of a compulsive eating disorder and escaped my pain by self-mutilation. I craved love so badly. I was searching for someone to save me. To make me feel whole. Let me stop here and say that finding someone to complete you is the wrong approach to finding fulfillment. Your search for outward approval will do nothing for you. Yes, there may be days when their love lifts you, but when you really settle into yourself you will find the hate, and self-loathing still buried under their love. How can a healthy relationship flourish when the depths of the soil are diseased? Along with my insecurities, there were needs I wanted to be met in our relationship. Instead of being open and honest with these needs, I kept them to myself. I wanted to be the best, most easy-going girlfriend. I silenced my demands, even as little as some were for fear that if I was honest, he wouldn’t want to be with me. I loved him too much to risk losing him but I only lost myself in the process. I get why he lied to me. I did the same thing. The severity isn’t as bad, but because of the lies we told ourselves and to each other, we lost one another. It was ugly and it was brutal.
I’ve never felt as much pain as I’ve felt in the last three weeks. The devastation, hurt, anger, sadness, and every other awful emotion was balled up in my throat at all times. I was always on the verge of tears if I wasn’t crying already. I played the victim. “How could he do this to me?” “Why did he do this to me?” I asked myself these questions over and over again. It wasn’t until last Friday that I got my answer. I went to see a friend of mine, an intuitive healer and reiki master. After our session, we sat and talked. She told me that he didn’t do this to me but for me. That this is a higher practice for myself as a healer. I must transmute this experience and all emotions to heal old wounds within myself and in turn, it will help others heal their own.
Another topic that showed up during our session was Ishtar, ascended master. Neither of us was familiar with this master so I did some research when I got home. Ishtar is a goddess of love, fertility, war, sex, and power. There are many myths about her but one that stuck out to me is of her descent to the underworld to retrieve her lover. In order to reach him, she had to go through the 7 gates into Hell. At each gate, she had to disrobe a piece of herself. By the time she finally reached the underworld she was naked and powerless. She was then reborn and regained her strength.
I had to die in order to get where I am now. I had to make bold statements and practices of clearing space in my home and heart. I had to go down to the depths of hell in order to fully release what no longer served me. I had to create space for the new.
Are you not being honest with yourself in some way? I encourage you to dig deep and be truthful with yourself about what it is you really want in life. Only then can we truly find happiness and fulfillment from within.
I’ll attach the link to The Sat Yoga Institute blog where I found information on Ishtar at the bottom of this post. Below are some quotes I felt strongly about.
“By descending into our own inner Hell and rescuing the lost sparks of consciousness trapped down there, we may accomplish the great task of redeeming ourselves from unconsciousness, and attaining re-divinization.”
“The entire play of consciousness is revealed in the archetypal imagery of Ishtar. She has completed her descent. The Cosmic Dream has reached its final stop, the lowest depths of Hell. Now is the moment of Ishtar’s rise. At Chakra One, she incarnates as the Kundalini serpent, the energy of self-awareness that rises through all the chakras, breaking through the seven Veils of Maya to regain the majesty of pure Spirit."
"Ishtar is not just a myth, nor is she someone else. Ishtar is your Self. The myth is your story, an awesome and miraculous story that is about to unfold in ways you never imagined”