It’s a shame when you carry so much worry about what other people think of you. It’s debilitating. I’ve gone through life with so many thoughts floating around in my head. Not allowing them to flow out of me has created a traffic jam. Thoughts and ideas bumping into one another constantly; there is no smooth traffic up in that head of mine. I lay awake at night subjected to the rapid turns and collisions that occur from too many thoughts at once. During the day it’s the same story. I’m always thinking, always dreaming. Sometimes I find it hard to concentrate on what is in front of me due to the excessiveness of it all . When I am present, I over analyze every little thing. What I’ve said... Was that stupid? Did I sound dumb? Over personalizing pretty much everything someone has said to me. It’s not a healthy way to live or think for that matter. If only there were a way to quiet these thoughts and create a smooth flow of traffic.
Obviously you would think journaling would be the best outlet. There have been times when I wrote religiously but then again I wasn’t fully able to express the feelings that truly lie inside. I was too scared to even share my innermost feelings with my own journal. For fear of course that someone would find it and think I’m crazy or weird or silly. The thing is, I am all those things and more. It’s taken me almost 28 years to feel comfortable with myself. To actually feel like myself. I’m not 100% there yet but I have improved within the last couple years and a vast improvement within the last few months. It’s such a freeing feeling when you get it. And by “get it” I don’t mean you can go out buy it. It’s a feeling that comes over you when you fully allow your soul to take charge. It shines beyond your body and quiets the voice of your ego. It’s powerful and vitalizing. You feel whole for the first time. There is a quote a friend of mine once gave me, “The goal is not perfection, it’s wholeness.” For the first time in my life I truly understand what it means. It’s much more of a fulfilling feeling being whole than perfect.
I decided to create this blog, regardless of what people think, to finally share my thoughts and feelings and the journey that has brought me to this point in my life. If anything, I hope it can reach out to someone who is in the same mindset I once was. I hope they can find comfort in knowing that they are not alone and not crazy or weird for the way they think. We are all a bit crazy, right? If it weren’t for the crazy ones who pushed themselves to share their stories and ideas in a positive way, the world would be a lot less interesting. It’s time that we allow ourselves to fully shine the way our souls intended to.