My Experience With Past Life Regression

Life has been heavy as of late. There are lots of big life changes occurring and my health has been worse than it has ever been before. No matter how much I cleaned my diet up and restricted certain foods, I flared. I found that I’m flaring from consuming even the healthiest of foods. With a worsening of symptoms, I was referred to a gastroenterologist. After receiving my test results, the doctor wanted to put me on an antidepressant. Supposedly it helps “calm the stomach”. I felt defeated. The side effects from the medication indicated that it would make my symptoms worse and create more issues down the road. I’ve had terrible luck with doctors in the past and stand my ground on saying that the majority of them don’t care or look into the whole person or situation. They simply want their kickback from drug companies and prescribe pointless medication that will merely cover up symptoms and not solve the underlying issue. If they helped heal people they would be out of a job, wouldn’t they?

Healing does not come from covering up symptoms. It comes from diving deep within and looking at the mind/body/soul as one. There are so many factors that affect our health and well being. Some we aren’t even aware of. Last weekend I went to a past life regression workshop. I’ve always been interested in finding out more from my previous lives and how they affect my current time here on earth. I was excited to see them offering a class locally. The first half of the workshop consisted of a lecture and a guided past life regression meditation. Being my first regression meditation, I felt like I was only able to access 60% of it. I could feel my body go heavy like it was filled with lead. The images I received were hazy but I got enough to make a correlation to issues I’m dealing with now. In my mediation, I saw myself wearing a corset. The restraints made it difficult to breathe. In that life my family was wealthy. I spent my days at home with my mother. I loved being able to spend that much time with her.

In the second half of the class, the instructor went around and did a mini reading for each attendee. It was fascinating hearing all the stories from each person in the class. I honestly had no expectation or idea what the teacher was going to channel through me. When it was my turn she began with her eyes closed. She shook her head and said she had no idea what had happened to me. She saw cuts all over my body as if I was in the losing end of a sword fight. She mentioned seeing my grandmother and asked if I was close with my grandfather. I immediately thought of my mother’s father as he was the only grandfather I knew. She told me it was my father’s father. She said he was there the day I was born and he and my grandmother are always with me. She then began to tell me I grew up on the streets with my older brother and sister. One day they disappeared. She wasn’t sure if they were killed or put in jail as it was common in this time that kids were thrown in jail for stealing. I was physically weak and sick, having respiratory issues, possibly asthma, making it difficult for me to breath. I was always cold and hungry. I was alone for a long, long time. She asked me if I dealt with abandonment issues in this life. She continued, telling me I got good at stealing in order to survive. I eventually created a business, possibly illegal, where I was able to trade goods to stay alive. And then the kicker came. When she spoke these words I broke down in front of the whole class and began to cry. It resonated so deeply with what I’m currently going through. She told me my mother never meant to abandon me. She was sick and died of pneumonia one day. She loved me so much and never meant to leave. 

I still have my mother with me in this lifetime but I feel as if she hasn’t been there to protect me or give me affection. There were things I went through early in life that had a huge impact on me. Being young and confused I was scared to speak up about what was happening. There were times when I did go to her with other issues but felt like my voice wasn’t heard and it was all brushed off as nothing of importance. When I did finally speak up about what happened, it was once again brushed off. From her perspective, it wasn’t “that bad”.  Like blaming a rape victim that she was assaulted because of the way she was dressed. She told me I needed to stop blaming her for what happened to me in the past. I wasn’t blaming her. All I was asking for was for her to hold me and tell me she was sorry for what had happened to me. I wasn’t mad at her for the doing of others. I was looking for her protection and love to soothe my wounds. 

There were lots of tears following the workshop. I felt completely drained. I internalized all of the correlations of that lifetime and my current. So much fell into place and finally made sense. I focused on each feeling and told myself it’s okay to release what I’ve carried with me all this time. The point of past life regression is to decipher why we are and feel a certain way in our current time here on earth. It’s about coming to an understanding of what happened to us in previous times and making sure we learned the lessons that we were faced with. If we fail to acknowledge what we were once set to learn, we continue to deal with the same issues in future lives. Our goal in each life is to experience and grow. Every position we live teaches us about that carnation. We see from a different perspective which allows our souls to gain compassion and understanding for ourselves and others.

Experiencing a past life regression has been a huge help for my spiritual growth and physical healing. It’s been over a week now since the workshop and this past week was the first time in what seems like forever I wasn’t in a constant flare. I’m going to continue working with regression therapy as I feel deeply confident the further I dive into it, the more I will discover about myself and be able to work through and release what no longer serves me. 

Have you ever experienced a past life regression? If so, how has it helped you in your current life? 

Care Of The Body Nourishes The Soul

By working out and eating well, you strengthen the housing of your soul.  The better you take care of what carries you through this life, the better you can serve your higher purpose as well as serve others.  When feeling well, healthy, and confident, you project that energy outwards. The same goes for when you feel unhappy in areas of your life. We help others and others help us by acting as mirrors.  What kind of reflection do you want to attract and see looking back? 

So many of us become lazy without realizing it until it’s too late.  You stop or limit physical activity, consume unhealthy foods, and before long, you begin to see your life and goals as stagnant. Why do you do this? Because it’s easy. How many times have you sat around mindlessly eating and gone down the rabbit hole of Instagram or any other social media outlet?  Not only is it a waste of time, but without being able to help it, you start to compare your current life to the pretty pictures of others. It’s a downward spiral that sucks you in. In addition to the already low level of self-esteem you feel by not taking care of your body, you begin to feel worthless when you compare yourself to the success of others. 

It’s time to put in the work and take care of you.  Stop caring or comparing yourself to others.  Realign that focus on yourself.  Each and every one of you has something so special and unique deep within your soul. The better you take care of the vehicle that is this body, the easier it is to connect with your higher self. I’m not suggesting you go to the gym and start lifting a bunch of weights or follow a strict paleo diet. If you want to do that, great. Many of us don’t. I do suggest that you find some sort of activity that gets you moving. Walking, hiking or yoga are great options that don’t require a gym membership. Being out in nature is a great way to connect to Mother Earth and yoga is a wonderful practice to help you connect with yourself. As for diet, avoid all the processed junk that’s loaded with sugar and artificial ingredients.  It’s okay to have a treat once in a while, but when you consume these foods on the daily you aren’t going to be feeling good.  Focus on fresh, natural foods. Plenty of vegetables, cooked or raw, fruits, whole grains, and meats and poultry that are free from antibiotics and growth hormones. Once you implement these changes in your life you will begin to see the shift in both your mental and physical health.  Many of you already know that these are the changes that need to be made in order to feel better and get healthy.  It’s just that damn laziness and easy routine you’ve been trapped in for so long. Throw that old routine out the window. Why continue to live with a dimmed soul when you can put in a little work and see yourself truly shine?

Finding Your Tribe

In the process of deepening my spirituality, I often feel alone at times. Although I am more connected and fulfilled with myself, it’s sharing my journey with others close to me that can be uncomfortable. My mom has always been spiritually open so I can talk freely to her about the feelings I have or what I’m going through. There are also a few other close people in my life with whom I can speak confidently to without feeling like they think I’m some witchy weirdo. Once after talking about the different levels of reiki, I was told it sounded like a mystical video game.

Last night we celebrated the birthday of a mutual friend. We’ve been connected through social media and have seen each other a few times over the last couple years. I always thought she was a nice girl but last night was the first time we got to talk in depth. We Identified so much together on the path we are currently taking in life. We’ve both dealt with candida long-term and discussed the challenges we’ve faced with avoiding sugar and making other lifestyle modifications. We both knew we needed to make changes in order to heal and overcome what was holding us back but there was something that kept us from making that change. Want to know what it was? It was us. It was the negative thoughts and the ease of being lazy and not having to do the work. It was no one's fault but our own. The biggest hurdle we had to get over were the self-limiting beliefs we’ve held onto for so many years. Once that awareness was recognized, it became much easier to identify triggers and change our mindset. We both knew that sugars and certain foods made us not feel and function well so why continue to consume them? Finally, the lightbulb went off and at that moment we knew we had to make a change. Do you want to live the same life you’ve been living, feeling like crap and being unhappy or do you want to make significant changes in your life that will better affect your health and well-being? As I’ve said before, you have two choices. You can either choose the positive or negative. This course of action can be used in every area of your life. From making decisions on what foods to eat or what thoughts to think. Why feed your body and mind with negative thoughts and nutrient-deprived foods when you can fuel your body and mind with loving thoughts and nourishing foods. It’s as simple as that. You just have to make the decision. 

Not only did we connect on a level about our health but we had similar spiritual beliefs as well. I can’t say how happy it makes me to be able to open up and have a deep conversation with someone on this topic. Someone asked me once how many people really get me. My answer was two. The more I have aligned with myself, I find that I am attracting others who are on the same vibrational level. Even if our backgrounds, story, or path is different, we share a deep understanding of one another. The compassion from this connection not only supports the other person on their journey but furthers us on our own.

Lost And Found

From an outsiders perspective, I may seem lost. Life has thrown a lot at me these past few months. There have been involuntary changes as well as voluntary. All in all, these life lessons have been nothing but the best for me and my growth. I would say I’m the farthest from being lost right now. I may not have it all together yet, but I feel myself shifting into alignment. I’m learning to trust my intuition and in doing so it’s opening up doors to wonderful people, experiences, and opportunities. 

Last week I quit my job of seven years as a baker. It’s not because I don’t love to bake or cook, I love that very much as you can tell by looking at my Instagram feed. It’s just not the kind of cooking/baking that’s true to me. Over the past eight months, I’ve really listened to my body and honored what it needs and doesn’t need. I knew that my PCOS and IC were not going to heal themselves if I continued down the path I was on. Sugar, gluten, and dairy exacerbate my symptoms heavily and eliminating them from my diet have done wonders for the amount of pain I suffer from each month. I’m not here to bash sugar, gluten, or dairy. Occasionally I can consume them in small amounts with no flares but overall, I avoid them because my body is happy without them. Out of the three, sugar is the worst for me. People always thought it was funny how I’m on opposite ends of the spectrum. On one end, I lead a healthy lifestyle with a strict diet and on the other, I work as a baker surrounded by all the things that are triggers for me. Again, I’m not here to bash sugar or judge you if you eat it. Everyone’s body is vastly different and we all react to certain foods differently. You can begin to see my dilemma, though. I loved my job dearly. I loved the people I worked for and my coworkers, but it started not feeling right to me anymore. 

As other areas of my life began to shift, I cultivated an open and honest relationship with myself that I’ve never had before. Similar to my diet, I’ve found what my soul needs and doesn’t need. I realized that if I want to be in complete alignment with myself I need to clear space of what no longer serves me so there will be room for new opportunities. Implementing this practice has brought so much clarity and fulfillment into my life. Despite what others think of my decisions or actions, I know I’m on the right path. It’s time for me to do what’s best for me.

Is there anything holding you back from aligning with your true self? If so, what can you do to change it?

When To Say No

How many times have you agreed to something but the voice inside is screaming NOOOOO! You dread whatever it is you said yes to and reluctantly attended feeling pissed off at yourself the entire time. This scenario has played over in my life many times. I’m a hermit by nature but always want to please and never disappoint. My mom’s advice has always been, “If you say no to something it’s over in a quick moment. No matter how uncomfortable it feels, you will only feel it once when saying no. By agreeing to something you don't want to do, you suffer. You suffer the moment you say yes, leading up to, and following. Better to say no and be happy than saying yes and feeling unhappy.” I’ve failed to take her advice for years. By doing so, I haven’t honored my inner voice and put myself second. I’ve let the things or projects that I’ve wanted to do fall to the side and I’ve created unnecessary stress and anxiety. Why do so many of us do this? We want to be the best for others, of course. We want to please and make friends/family/partners feel good. But if we don’t truly feel good how can we share our light with others? The more burnt out we become the dimmer our light emanates. I've realized now more than ever I need to stop appeasing others and do what’s best for me. I need to honor myself and by doing so I need to put myself first. I need to say no when I mean no and not feel guilty about taking that time for myself. As much as I used to think it selfish, it is far from that. We need to constantly check in with ourselves and be guided by our intuition. Especially for women who are nearing their monthly visitor, it's imperative for us to listen to our bodies. It’s human nature that at this time in our cycle we crave solitude. That’s where I am currently and my being has been craving that aloneness. This afternoon I said no to an invitation and I’m so glad I did. I felt bad for a moment when saying no but the rest of my afternoon and evening has been exactly what I needed. How many times have you said yes when you really meant no? I urge you to connect with yourself and honor your needs whatever they may be. 

Death & Rebirth

Depending on where we are in our life, we attract people and relationships who mirror ourselves. If we are weak, we will attract this type of person. When Smith and I met I was a complete mess. I was in the latter half of a compulsive eating disorder and escaped my pain by self-mutilation. I craved love so badly. I was searching for someone to save me. To make me feel whole. Let me stop here and say that finding someone to complete you is the wrong approach to finding fulfillment. Your search for outward approval will do nothing for you. Yes, there may be days when their love lifts you, but when you really settle into yourself you will find the hate, and self-loathing still buried under their love. How can a healthy relationship flourish when the depths of the soil are diseased? Along with my insecurities, there were needs I wanted to be met in our relationship. Instead of being open and honest with these needs, I kept them to myself. I wanted to be the best, most easy-going girlfriend. I silenced my demands, even as little as some were for fear that if I was honest, he wouldn’t want to be with me. I loved him too much to risk losing him but I only lost myself in the process. I get why he lied to me. I did the same thing. The severity isn’t as bad, but because of the lies we told ourselves and to each other, we lost one another. It was ugly and it was brutal. 

I’ve never felt as much pain as I’ve felt in the last three weeks. The devastation, hurt, anger, sadness, and every other awful emotion was balled up in my throat at all times. I was always on the verge of tears if I wasn’t crying already. I played the victim. “How could he do this to me?” “Why did he do this to me?” I asked myself these questions over and over again. It wasn’t until last Friday that I got my answer. I went to see a friend of mine, an intuitive healer and reiki master. After our session, we sat and talked. She told me that he didn’t do this to me but for me. That this is a higher practice for myself as a healer. I must transmute this experience and all emotions to heal old wounds within myself and in turn, it will help others heal their own. 

Another topic that showed up during our session was Ishtar, ascended master. Neither of us was familiar with this master so I did some research when I got home. Ishtar is a goddess of love, fertility, war, sex, and power. There are many myths about her but one that stuck out to me is of her descent to the underworld to retrieve her lover. In order to reach him, she had to go through the 7 gates into Hell. At each gate, she had to disrobe a piece of herself. By the time she finally reached the underworld she was naked and powerless. She was then reborn and regained her strength. 

I had to die in order to get where I am now. I had to make bold statements and practices of clearing space in my home and heart. I had to go down to the depths of hell in order to fully release what no longer served me. I had to create space for the new. 

Are you not being honest with yourself in some way? I encourage you to dig deep and be truthful with yourself about what it is you really want in life. Only then can we truly find happiness and fulfillment from within.

I’ll attach the link to The Sat Yoga Institute blog where I found information on Ishtar at the bottom of this post. Below are some quotes I felt strongly about.

“By descending into our own inner Hell and rescuing the lost sparks of consciousness trapped down there, we may accomplish the great task of redeeming ourselves from unconsciousness, and attaining re-divinization.”

“The entire play of consciousness is revealed in the archetypal imagery of Ishtar. She has completed her descent. The Cosmic Dream has reached its final stop, the lowest depths of Hell. Now is the moment of Ishtar’s rise. At Chakra One, she incarnates as the Kundalini serpent, the energy of self-awareness that rises through all the chakras, breaking through the seven Veils of Maya to regain the majesty of pure Spirit."

"Ishtar is not just a myth, nor is she someone else. Ishtar is your Self. The myth is your story, an awesome and miraculous story that is about to unfold in ways you never imagined”

 

The Sat Yoga Institute Blog 

 

Walking Down Our Path

It’s been 11 days since my life was turned upside down. It’s the first day that I’m free of work or prior engagements. I don't want to get out of bed. The shattered pieces of my broken heart ache so badly. The heaviness is suffocating. My mind is running a marathon. If only this, or why that? I can spend the rest of my life questioning what happened, but in the end, I will always come to the conclusion that it had nothing to do with me. I’ve put the blame on myself so many times in my life and in my relationships. It’s silly how we do this. We know it’s not us but the darkness creeps in and makes us feel unworthy or deserving of this way of life. This time is different. I’m not the same person I was years ago. I’m not that weak girl who hated herself and accepted the blame as my own. I’m a woman who loves herself. I’m a woman who has gone through many lessons in life and came out on top. In the end, I chose to see the good. I chose to walk forward. I've walked down many rough paths, but now, I look back and smile because I made it trough.

Life has recently put me on a new path. It is and will continue to be the hardest path I have ever walked. I feel like my life has turned into the ending of La La Land. Who else was devastated by that ending? You always have two choices in life. The choice you make will take you down the path of your reality. The choice you don’t make will always be what could have been. I think about my what could have been and it kills me. I can see it all so perfectly like the greatest love story ever written. It must always stay as what could have been, though. I know what I am deserving of in a relationship. Deceit, lies, and manipulation is not something I will allow or put up with. 

The theme for February is change and boy there is a lot of it going on. I can’t tell you how many heartbreaking things I’ve heard from other people in the last few days. Sometimes change is brought on by our own actions. In my case and many others right now it was brought on by another person. These types of change are always the hardest as we’re not ready for the waves that continue to crash into us and knock us down. But with this change, we have two choices to make. To accept it and move on in a forward direction or wallow in it while being pulled back by the current. I choose to accept.

 

A New Year, A New Practice & A New Outlook

January 1st I began Yoga Revolution. A 31 day practice with yoga instructor, Adriene. Ever heard of her? If not, check her out. Seriously, you will love her. She offers free yoga videos through YouTube. Her spunky and caring energy along with her unique approach to yoga will have you hooked. I've attended yoga classes over the years and have done some of Adriene's videos, but nothing as consistent as a 31 day practice. It takes devotion to get to the mat everyday. From the very beginning of Yoga Revolution I was addicted. I looked forward to my practice every morning when I got up. But then life got shaken up in a big way. I wasn't able to get to the mat for a couple days and the time I did have was limited. I didn't beat myself up over it though. In the 15 minutes of free time I had available on some days I squeezed in a quick little practice. Eventually I was able to catch up.

I'm amazed at the progress I saw in myself after just two weeks and now coming close to the end, I have seen even more of an improvement in my strength and balance both on and off the mat. The biggest change I noticed right away was the significant reduction in my chronic pelvic pain from PCOS. It also made my monthly visitor a little bit easier this time around. In addition to the physical benefits I've experienced, I've seen an improvement in my mental health. In day 23, Adriene talks about how keeping a consistent practice with yoga keeps her from wanting to punch the mirror most days when she looks into it. Speaking those words really struck a chord with me. I have felt that same urge many times. Recently, when I've looked into the mirror, I feel confident and accepting of my body and looks. I've been so focused on what I see as flaws over the years it was all I noticed. Now I accept them and realize that they are what makes me my unique self. 

On the eve of my 29th birthday, I'm feeling good about what this new year will bring. 2017 got off to a rough start, but as Adriene says, "Everything is as it should be." 

Setting Our Intentions For The New Year

Being the first day of the new year I want to focus on the intentions we are setting for ourselves. Last night I began reading a new book, Crystal Healing For Beginners. I know a bit about crystals, but I want to grow my knowledge and collection this coming year. In chapter 3, they introduce chakras and their importance. A disruption in any one of our chakras can cause imbalances on an emotional level as well as a physical level. It got me thinking about my diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and Interstitial Cystitis. Upon a google search of chakra imbalance and PCOS, I discovered the connection to the sacral chakra. The sacral chakra is located within the abdomen just below the belly button. It fosters reproduction and creativity along with feelings of joy, harmony, and deservedness. An imbalance of this chakra is associated with health issues such as PCOS, endometriosis, pelvic pain, and urinary problems. On an emotional level, an imbalance of the sacral chakra correlates with feelings of low self-worth, lack of harmony, and stagnation in one’s life. Geez, if only I knew that my sacral chakra was out of balance all these years. 

Throughout 2016, I gained a lot of insight and answers to my health and well-being. I was given the tools and now in 2017 I am ready to do the work. My intention for this new year is to take control of my health once and for all. Through diet, a positive outlook and surrounding myself with things that bring me joy, I know I can release the diseases that have taken over my life all these years. The biggest thing I need to remember is that I am worthy of a beautiful life. I am deserving. I’ve struggled with feeling not good enough for so long but I need to finally realize that I am. I remember reading something earlier this year that talked about the laws of attraction. We can put out into the universe what we want, but that is only one part of the equation. The second and most important part is being open to receiving. We are all worthy of great things. We just need to be open and know that we are deserving of them. We create the life we want so why not create an amazing one. What are your intentions for this new year?

 

Saying Goodbye to 2016

With New Year’s quickly approaching, I reflect on the past year and the goals I set out to accomplish. As I look over my list of resolutions, which I have taped to the wall above my desk, I feel discouraged as I haven't gotten close to completing any of them. After my few minutes of feeling like a loser passes, I think about how far I have come on a personal level this year. I may not have many external achievements to show off, but the internal surpass what I ever thought was possible. I realize that my inner transformation had to happen before I could tackle these other projects. Like an old dilapidated house that cannot provide proper shelter, I had to renovate in order to create a beautiful, livable space where my ideas could flourish.

Overall, 2016 has been a good year for me. Though the past two months have been tough. I know I’m not the only one who feels it. There has been an influx of heavy energy in the air, bringing up lots of old thought patterns, emotions, and old tendencies. Big plans were made and big plans were changed. But hey, that’s life and we must learn to deal. My biggest lesson learned this year has been just that. How to deal. I used to do whatever I could to escape my mind and what was needed to be dealt with. I put my health on the back burner for years because of it. In addition to learning to deal, I have also learned to forgive and let go. I promise once you master this, things will change. When a thought comes into your head you have a choice. You can either think negatively and wallow in it or you can think positively and release it. It all starts with just one thought. Even if it’s a terrible memory, bring light to it and be thankful for the experience. Most likely you learned something from it. Take that knowledge and continue walking your path with your head held up high. 

Although it was posted a year ago, Astrology Club gave its predictions for 2016 by explaining the year based on numerology. It’s fascinating to read and see how my life mirrored the changes they predicted. Don’t beat yourself up if you didn’t accomplish your resolutions either. 2016 broken down to single digits equals 9. Nine is a finishing number and represents the end of a cycle. Allow 2016 to be an ending to whatever is it you need. Release all that you no longer suits you and welcome the fresh start of 2017.

The Seven Year Change

When I met my boyfriend six years ago I was going through a difficult period. People that were once close to me proved themselves to no longer be beneficial in my life. I had a tough time accepting the changes and struggled to keep hold of these friendships. As he does so well, my boyfriend gave me words of encouragement and told me about the seven year change. Every seven years you change your group of friends. It’s part of life and as you continue to grow and dig deeper into yourself, you let go of those who no longer travel in the same direction as you. I had never heard of this ideology, but come to find out, thanks to Google, the seven year change not only applies to friends but to many other areas of your life. Looking back, I can see the transitions I made during the each of these cycles. The parts I did not address followed me to the next, hovering like a dark cloud. Within the last year I have experienced many situations that sparked enlightenment. I was able to let the storm rage and allow the rain to cleanse the areas in need of repair. I’ve been able to get back in touch with my true self. These positive changes have prepared me for the new cycle I will soon be embarking on. As I approach the end of my fourth cycle, I feel that I can freely transition to the next without carrying the weight of my past. With a new outlook on life and alignment from within, comes new experiences the universe has to offer. There are significant life changes I will be facing in the next two months. I can't share what they are at this time but they are BIG. It’s scary as hell, but something inside me knows that this is the right step to take. 

 

Below are a couple links to pages I enjoyed reading about this topic. It breaks down and explains each of the seven year cycles.

 

Crisis Years, 7-year Cycles and How to do Well in The School of Life

Every Seven Years You Change

You've Come Too Far To Go Back

Every so often I feel as if I'm pulled back to where I started. Certain thought patterns reintroduce themselves and the feelings I've been happy to have abandoned come back knocking. It's a rough awakening. To think I've come so far yet here I am again. In the middle of my mind racing a mile a minute I called a time out. I am not where I once was. I am in a better place and a much better mindset. Life has taught me many lessons recently. These lessons all have a similar theme. How to deal. How do you deal with the curveballs life throws in your face?  The old me used to wallow in them. I allowed these trivial and some not so trivial situations a lot of real estate in my mind. The events replaying over and over again. They would eat me up and make me feel horrible. In fact, they made me physically sick. I would continue focusing on the negative. I couldn’t help it. Through spiritual guidance, acupuncture, a change in my diet, and most importantly a change in my thinking has allowed me to walk through the fog of negativity and into the bright light of positivity. It sounds simple doesn't it? Replace the negative thoughts with positive? It wasn't that simple for me. It took a while to get into the habit of replacing a gloomy thought with an affirmative. Finally I got to the point where the positive came naturally without resistance. It felt amazing! I noticed how great I felt mentally and physically when my voice was in charge and not my ego. When stress came for a visit the other day I felt the pull backwards. I noticed certain symptoms arising and I wasn't sleeping well. I needed to put my mind in check during the time-out I called.

You are not where you once were. This is another test life if giving you. How will you do? It's easy to fall back into old ways. They are comfortable and you feel secure. Yet that's going to get you nowhere. Look how far you have come. You are not back where you started. You are constantly evolving and right now you are at a midpoint. You can clearly assess the situation and deal with it. See it for what it is and accept it. Don't be scared of what is to come. There are exciting things ahead of you. You just have to put in the work with courage and love in your heart. Even when everything is up in the air know that it will always work out in the end. It may not play out how you originally planned, but when you look back in the end you will be thankful for every second of it and how much you gained from the experience. Trust in the universe. Trust your gut. Those feelings are becoming louder for a reason. They want you to listen and they want you to flourish.

PCOS Diagnosis

It all makes complete sense to me now. When the doctor phoned me last week and told me I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, I was a little confused. I always thought I was dealing with endo based on how much pain I suffer from. That night I googled all I could about PCOS. I was in denial until it all hit me in the face. The depression, anxiety, severe mood swings, compulsive eating disorder, addiction to sugar, small tubular breasts. Yeah, I didn't know there was a name for them but upon my google search I realized I'm not the only woman in this world with weird-looking boobs. Excessive hair on my face, chest, stomach. I always thought I was just cursed by my European heritage. The list goes on. The thinning/loss of hair on the head, acne, irregular periods, abdominal bloating and pelvic pain. You would think with all of this information a doctor would be able to give a correct diagnosis. Think again. I've struggled for years trying to find answers about why I feel and look the way I do. It took me five doctors to get a diagnosis. I'm happy to finally have the answer but it's also unsettling to think that all that I've dealt with stems from this. If only I knew this years ago. It could have helped me understand the reason behind my depression and mood swings as well as the many insecurities I have about my body. From what I've read there is no cure for PCOS. The options for treatment are either the birth control pill or a pharmaceutical called Metformin. It was originally put on the market for diabetics. Many with PCOS deal with insulin resistance and obesity. To me, these medications do nothing to heal the issues. They simply cover the symptoms.  The root of this disease is a hormonal imbalance. The body is producing too much androgen (male hormones). What if we can naturally balance our hormones. It may not "cure" the disease but it could bring harmony to the body and reduce the symptoms that arise from our hormones being in complete disarray.

Some people in my life feel strongly against my natural approach to healing. They want me to feel good again and go on the meds. I've never been on Metformin but I was on the birth control pill twice in my life. The first course for six years and the second for two. I was originally put on the pill for debilitating periods. They were so heavy and painful that I couldn't walk at times. If I had the knowledge I do now, I would have realized that something larger was going on. Instead I took a pill to cover my symptoms everyday for the next six years. I finally decided to get off the pill when my mental state could no longer take it. I felt like I was going crazy. The two years that followed coming off were horrendous. I was dealing with many life changes that added huge amounts of stress. Hello release of excess cortisol. I didn't get my period again for 6 months. During this time I developed a compulsive eating disorder. Sugar was my weakness. It's crazy to think back how much I used to eat. No one knew at the time because I kept it hidden. I also kept self-mutilation a secret. Dealing with stress, depression and when raged with anger I would lock myself in the bathroom with a lighter and safety-pin. The hot metal on my skin was my only way of release. I was in a very dark place. I've always had a hard time expressing myself through speech. All my thoughts stay bottled up inside and I can't find a way to articulate them. I think this stems from my fear of being judged and people thinking I'm crazy.

Yesterday I came across a couple of blogs that really hit home with me. These personal stories of their mental health with this disease finally made me feel like I'm not alone. Having read these stories and the comments that followed gave me so much understanding of why I feel the way I do. I'm not crazy. My hormones are out of control and in turn making me feel helpless. I'm done feeling like this. I'm done looking in the mirror and hating what I see looking back at me. I'm done with all the physical and mental pain I deal with daily. I'm done with not being able to enjoy myself because of my insecurities and racing mind. I want to heal. I want to feel better. I want to be better.

Tomorrow I see an acupuncturist who specializes in Traditional Chinese Medicine. I've decided that this will be my next course of action. A woman I used to work with referred me to him. He did wonders for balancing her hormones so I'm hoping he can do the same for me. Because of my interstitial cystitis diagnosis I have already drastically changed my diet. Depending on the time of the month I feel like whatever I eat bothers me but I know that consuming a diet free from gluten, dairy and sugar is better for my body. I've gotten to my rock bottom and have acquired the willpower it takes to be strict. It's not easy but I look forward to the future where I will be free from physical and mental pain.

Emotions And Disease

The summer following my high school graduation I took a job working in the supplement department of my local health food store. I was intrigued and amazed by all the information I was quickly learning. I'd grown up taking over-the-counter medication and sometimes antibiotics anytime I got sick. Being in this new environment opened my eyes to a natural way of treating bodily ails and illness. By taking natural supplements and modifying her diet, my mom was able to get off of statins for high cholesterol and has been able to keep her blood pressure at a healthy level. 

Of all the books I studied, I was fascinated with the book, Heal Your Life, by Louise Hay. It lists a multitude of health problems and the emotions that can cause/exacerbate them. I know that my health issues have a lot to do with the stress, anxiety, and past experiences that I can't let go of. The first time I went to see an acupuncturist she had me stick out my tongue. She was shocked and said "I have never seen a tongue like yours and that you have way too much heat in your heart for a person of your age." At the end of our session she suggested that when I go to sleep at night I focus on things that make me happy. It was as if she knew that I lay awake at night going over all the negative, hurtful, and painful experiences that happened in my life. A marathon playing until I finally fell asleep. Below I've listed a few topics from Heal Your Life. As I looked them over again, it rang true to me that our emotional health very much impacts our physical health. I've been able to connect with many IC women through Instagram and others with varying chronic illnesses. Also, from blog posts I've come across, there seems to be a common theme. Hanging onto past emotions, negative relationships with food, and having a difficult time expressing oneself were the three that stood out to me the most. Maybe because I could relate to them all. Below I've listed a few health conditions from Hay's Heal Your Life. They include the causes as well as positive affirmations. I've been repeating the bladder affirmation in my head at night before I go to sleep.

 

BLADDER PROBLEMS: Anxiety. Holding on to old ideas. Fear of letting go. Being pissed off.

Affirmation: I comfortably & easily release the old & welcome the new in my life. I am safe.

 

PAIN: Self punishment, feeling emotional guilt. 

Affirmation: I lovingly release the past. They are free and I am free. All is well in my heart now. 

 

ENDOMETRIOSIS: Disappointment and frustration. Replacing self love with sugar. Blaming others. 

Affirmation: I am both powerful and desirable. It's wonderful to be a woman. I love myself and am fulfilled.

 

Monday's are my Saturday so I was able to sleep in this morning if you count 6am sleeping in. The sleep cycle of a baker. Anyways, I got up and did my workout first thing followed by my physical therapy stretches and some yoga. I ended my practice with a heart opener and shavasana. I've always loved this part of my practice as I feel my body and mind being restored. My ego is silent and I can fully connect with myself on a deep meditative level. I find the more times I get myself to this place the more insight I have to heal and let go of what has been holding me back. Below is what came from my meditation this morning. 

 

Disconnect with everything else and connect with yourself. That is when you allow your mind to be open to the channel of your higher power. In the stillness you can focus your energy on you and your healing. We always try and DO for others. It's time we DO for ourselves. Our health has been compromised in such a way that we can't fully live our lives. We have a right to live it how we want. We create the changes and enforce them. Yes, there are unforeseen circumstances that occur but it's how we deal with them. How we handle stress, relationships, personal struggles, etc. We need to break the vicious cycle of how our minds work. Just like reprogramming our habits we must reprogram our minds. We need to be nurturing in our thoughts and actions. We need to let go of what no longer works for us and welcome what does.

Reprogramming Our Body And Minds

The reprogramming of a computer allows it to work according to the new system. It no longer functions as it did before the new system was put in place. As humans, we try countless times to change things about ourselves. There are some who can make immediate changes followed by positive results. For others it doesn't come that easy. Willpower is the key that many of us have misplaced. We all have this trait within, regardless of what you say. It's how we harness and use it that is important. When we want to make a change we know what we need to do to make it lasting. The problem is, we hack the programming. If reprogrammed computers can instantly work more efficiently, why can't we reprogram ourselves? We must think of it as a new and permanent change. Why go back when you’re now at your optimal level?

For years I’ve known that I needed to make a change in my life. What I was lacking was the willpower to see me through. I would enact a new way of living only to fall back into old ways just a few days later. The lack of commitment to a new and improved program has left me sick, physically and mentally, for years. I’ve been uncomfortable, unhappy, and depressed to say the least. It’s not a way to live. I wanted things easy, to just glide through life, and hoped that things around me would get better; that I wouldn’t have to change much to see an improvement. I was so very wrong to think those thoughts. In order to see any changes we must make them and if we want to see results, we have to stick with them. Recently it hit me, smack in the face. I knew all this before but this time it really struck me. Since this realization, I have made a huge change in my lifestyle. My diet needed reprogramming. It may sound funny to the people who know me because I already led a very healthy lifestyle. No sodas, fast-food, processed foods, etc. Sugar though, was my downfall. I had to have it every day. Sometimes I’d like to have something sweet after lunch and dinner. Many of my snacks also contained sweet ingredients. There were nights I would be too full from dinner yet I still had to have my dessert. It was my mind that was calling these cravings. My body knew that I didn’t need them.

Having dessert occasionally is fine. When you suffer from chronic pain, inflammation, bacterial, and candida infections sugar is a NO, NO! After years of suffering I had to make a change. This time I knew I was capable of enforcing something to last. Due to my other health conditions I decided to try the elimination diet. I want to see if there are any foods that trigger my pain and flare-ups. It’s been almost a week now and so far I can already see some of the positive changes it’s had. The change I notice the most it the quieting of my ego. It no longer says, “Oh, just eat that cookie.” I also have a feeling of higher self-confidence. My ego doesn’t talk down to me every time I look in the mirror. My constant bloating has reduced which makes me feel comfortable again in my clothes. Last night I was telling my boyfriend how good I’m starting to feel and he said he could see it. He said I looked happy and confident which is something that I’ve been struggling with for some time. When you constantly feel like shit it’s hard to present yourself in a better way. I’m excited to see how the rest of the month goes and how much better I can feel. I’m thankful for this change as it’s opened my eyes to a truly healthy way of eating for my body and mind.